finding peace in pain

It's been a while since I've posted... and a lot has happened! I felt like I should share my most recent experience. Though many of you are probably familiar with my situation, I will give a detailed account of my experience so that those who care can read about it and those who don't, can choose to ignore my little tidbits on facebook. This experience has taught me many things... but the one I cannot escape is the realization that I can find peace in the midst of pain.

On Sunday, October 7th, I was invited over to my friend Derek's apartment to watch conference. So we watch conference, then afterwards we head over to my apartment to make dinner. At that point we are joined by many other friends and we're just kind of fooling around after we eat. I play a little guitar, we talk, contemplate watching a movie, but we decided on something a little more pro-active. I don't remember how the topic came up, but I tell Derek I've taken taekwondo, and seeing his interest, and wanting to impress a cute boy, I decide to show him some of my self-defense. It honestly wasn't very impressive, but that's my life. After humoring me, Derek decides to try some moves on me. He tells me he is going to put me on the ground. I'm used to this... having learned how to properly "fall" in taekwondo, but just to be sure, I tell him to be gentle. He tells me he will. This is when things get kind of fuzzy... He takes me down. But something went wrong. To this day we still are unsure how exactly it happened, but somehow my leg got caught behind his and it twisted in a way it shouldn't have. We all hear a couple loud POPS. crap. Now I am on the floor panting and holding my left knee. Val, being the kick-A nursing student she is, is at my aid immediately. I am laying on my back and she asks me some questions and I try to answer, but I am in so much pain I don't remember doing anything. Derek is looking at my leg and exclaims that it's out of place. He says he needs to pop it back in. Now, let me explain something about myself. I have a very low pain tolerance and a bad habit of watching dramatic hospital shows, so I know that I am about to experience serious pain. I tell them not to touch it many times... and then I black out.

I wake up really confused, but extremely calm. If you know me, you know I have a history of passing out. I'm a pro. That said, I calmly ask someone for a sugary drink. Val tells me that she is going to take me to the hospital. At this point, I am in so much pain, I know I can't walk. Derek picks me up and has to carry me down the two flights of stairs to the car. I guess I have to mention something before I get to the car. A couple days before the accident, Derek asked me out on a date... but we hadn't picked a day or anything. So when he was carrying me down to the car, I ask "Hey, so does this count as our first date?" Well everyone else thought that was pretty funny. I tend to crack jokes when I'm in pain or I'm nervous. Well, he answered with a resounding "NO." Apparently that wasn't romantic enough for him. Sheesh, whatever.

The ER was the most painful experience of my life. When they ask me my pain level, it was far beyond a 10. The worst part was when they tried to straighten my leg for an X-Ray. That was excruciating. And they kept wanting to bend it... which was not what my knee wanted to do. Since they didn't know what the injury was, they couldn't make a decision about treatment. It was decided that I would stay overnight and get an MRI the next morning. For hours, or maybe it wasn't that long... time wasn't my first concern, I was being prodded, injected with drugs, moved, and asked meaningless questions. All I wanted was to see Val and Derek. I wanted a familiar face. So they finally let me see them. So Derek walks in followed by Val's brother. They tell me they're going to give me a blessing. It was one of the most beautiful blessing I remember receiving. In the blessing, I was promised that Christ would carry me through this trial. I knew I was going to be OK.

The next few days were painful but I had never felt so blessed. That first night in the hospital was a blur, but it was oddly awesome. It was me, my cousin Andie, Derek, and Val. Val went back to the apartment to grab me some things I needed. Now, if I wasn't sure before that Val and I were meant to be friends forever, this next act removed all doubts. She comes back to the hospital with Ritz crackers and.... NUTELLA. She also brought Avatar season 1. Needless to say, my night was instantly better. So my friends stay until 2am just so I didn't have to be alone. I have never needed my friends more than I did that night. I will be forever grateful for their company that night.

The next morning I got an MRI. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was. The bad part is when the doctor came in later to tell me the verdict. He tells me I tore my ACL and my Meniscus, and that surgery was necessary and there would be a minimum recovery period of 6 weeks. That's when I lost it. I remember Val crawling onto my bed and just holding me while I cried. I couldn't stop thinking about what this would mean for school, for church, for everything! I couldn't walk for at least 6 weeks? There had to be some mistake. Stuff like this doesn't happen to me. I thought my trials would be different. I wasn't expecting this.

My dad came the day before surgery and was there through the whole process of surgery and the rest of my hospital stay. That was such a blessing. My surgery was performed wednesday the 10th, and I returned home thursday morning. I was fixed... but the healing was just beginning.

Well, that is the story. Since then, I have been going to Physical Therapy 3 times a week and my knee is healing wonderfully. It really has been a journey though. There were many nights during the first weeks after surgery where I found myself depressed and so overwhelmed. To top everything off, I had run out of my depression medication, and I was suffering. I was not myself. I was angry with God, angry with everything. That is not me. I knew the worst part of me had taken over and I couldn't stop it. I would cry myself to sleep every night until my medicine came in the mail and I slowly returned to myself.

Now, I don't tell people this story to entice people into pity (though my ex kindly told me otherwise). I tell this story because it was a trial that tested my faith. For me, this was the biggest trial I have ever had to deal with because I am not used to dealing with such strong physical pain. It shook me, that's for sure. From the support of my family and friends, from the countless priesthood blessings, and from the quiet moments of contemplation and prayer, I was able to find peace in the midst of pain. Since the Lord cannot be here to hold our hands during trials, he sends us angels to be there to do it for Him. I have been surrounded by angels willing to hold my hand. At night I will pray long and hard, talking with my Heavenly Father. I will tell Him everything and ask for His continued guidance in my life. I thank Him for the many small miracles I've experienced. Every day is a miracle for me. I feel myself growing stronger every moment and I have made some great new friendships and solidified the most important ones. I even feel my parents and I's relationship strengthening as I call them every day just to talk about everything.

To finish my rather long blog post, I want to share a little quote from one of my favorite books.
"Some people will have good times and some will not , but the only losers are those who give up and quit before they reach their goal. In the gospel race, their are no losers, only quitters. Those who run across the finish line in minutes, those who walk across it in hours, or those who crawl across it in days all win the prize. For they all endured to the end, according to their talents and abilities, looking to the Savior. Paul uses this analogy, writing 'Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith' (Heb. 12:1-2). Too many of us expend our energy worrying about our relative times instead of keeping our eyes on the goal, putting one foot in front of the other, and enduring to the end."
-Stephen E. Robinson from his book Believing Christ

I hope to never be a quitter. I will endure. And I hope you will too.

Peace.

Lemon Jell-o.... What you need to know about Mormanism

Herro. 

So I felt like it was time to personally defend my religion. Though many who read this are probably Mormon themselves, I hope this reaches out to someone who will feel a little more enlightened about what my church is really about. 
For starters, the official name of my church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

History: Our church first began, of course, when Christ was on the earth. However, because of the evil of the world, the church was gone from the earth for a very long time. We call this time in our world's history the apostasy. In 1820, a young man named Joseph Smith, was conflicted as to which church he should join. In the western part of New York in the early 1800's there was a lot of religious fervor and oftentimes conflicts arose because each church would try hard to gain support. So Joseph Smith, then 14 years old, decided to pray to God for help in deciding which church to join. He read in the book of James, chapter 1, verse 5: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him" 
After reading this, he prayed and God and Jesus Christ appeared to him and told him that he must not join any of the churches, for he must restore Jesus Christ's church to the earth. And that is exactly what he did. We believe Joseph Smith was a righteous prophet who translated the Book of Mormon (I'll talk about this later) and restored Christ's church in these modern times. 

Books: We follow the Old Testament, the New Testament and The Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is a book of ancient teachings that were buried by Mormon during the Apostasy. God gave Joseph Smith the knowledge and authority to find these records and translate them into English.
The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ and contains valuable teachings and commandments of God. 

The Godhead: We believe in ONE GOD. We believe He sent His chosen son, Jesus Christ. to earth to teach and to save all mankind. We also believe in the Holy Ghost, which is what we feel when we are being prompted to doing something good, or if we are being warned. These three beings are separate beings and they make up what we call the Godhead: Heavenly Father (God), Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost.

WE ARE CHRISTIANS: Many believe Mormons are not Christians because we view God and Christ as separate beings... but this is not true. We worship Christ as the Savior of mankind and that He died so that we could be saved if only we repent of our sins. We call this The Atonement. Christ was sent to earth by God to save us from sin. He suffered by taking every sin known to man upon himself and then was betrayed and killed. He then rose from the grave 3 days later, conquering death, and setting a precedent by which we could now follow. We are able to be resurrected from the dead and since he took upon himself the pain of our sins, we are able to be forgiven and can return to God in heaven. Christ was a sinless, wonderful Savior who taught to love God and to love our neighbors. 

Missionaries: when a young man turns 19, he becomes eligible to serve a mission. If he is ready and worthy, he sacrifices his time, family, everything, to serve the Lord and teach our gospel to those who will listen. He spends two years away from home (he gets called by our Prophet to serve) in one area anywhere in the world. They work in companionships, so that's why there's always two of them... girls also can serve missions, but not until their 21 (i think its for safety reasons), and only for 1.5 years. For boys, it is a commandment to serve a mission, for girls it is optional, but always encouraged. 
Now, these boys are normal and wonderful people. Before you bash on them, try to remember that they gave up two years they could be attending school, being with family, etc. to teach people about our Gospel. This seems like a huge bill, and it really is, but it becomes an easy decision to make because of their wonderful testimonies and desire to share God's word with those who may be searching for it. Try and remember these boys' families, who wait anxiously for a letter each week from their son to be assured that they are safe and happy. These boys don't wish to harm anyone or denounce anyone else's beliefs, they are just faithful men who wish to teach our Gospel to help build our church. We love our gospel so much that we want others to find the same happiness.

Prophets: We believe God chooses a faithful servant on the earth to lead our church. It began with Peter in the time Christ was on the earth. We believe there is a prophet on the earth now. His name is Thomas S. Monson. He has been sustained by every member, and has been called of God to teach and lead us along with his counselors and other church leaders. There is a first and second  counselor that help the prophet, and then there are 12 apostles. Twice every year, we get to hear from these men and other church leaders and be enlightened and instructed by them. This called our conference. It's held live in Salt Lake City Utah. We believe these men carry the responsibility of teaching us modern doctrine. 

Modern teachings and misconceptions: There are many things our church and other churches did anciently that are not done now. For example, WE DO NOT PRACTICE POLYGAMY. That was a commandment given to our church when it was first restored in order to build our church. Since then, it has been disbanded because it is not consistent with modern times. This is also seen through the doctrine of sacrifice. In ancient times, many people (not just christians) would sacrifice animals for God. This is not needed anymore, because God adapts his commandments to the time it is to be followed. God is constant, and his commands never change, but there are adaptations made so that they fit the modern world. Animal sacrifice was to teach people in ancient times the principle of sacrifice. Now, we are sometimes asked to sacrifice our time, money, love, etc. for His sake. This shows how some commandments are adapted to fit modern life. 

The Don'ts: As many of you have probably noticed, we don't drink alcohol, coffee, or tea. We don't smoke, swear, and we don't have sex before marriage. There's a lot of joking in the media about a lot of these, but I promise these little "don'ts" have really blessed my life. And if you know any mormon that has done any of these things (I know many myself...), they are not following the teachings of our church. Please don't judge our religion based on those who don't practice what they preach. Our religion has been distorted that way. 

Regarding sexuality: I am not going to say much about this because it is such a controversial topic, but I will say a couple things regarding the matter. We believe God ordained marriage to be between one man and one woman. I follow this belief. However, we are also taught it is not our place to judge others and we are taught to love EVERYONE. I am personally very disappointed with church members who disregard these commandments. 

My experience: This gospel brings me true happiness. I will never be able to deny that. I believe in everything taught in this wonderful gospel. Sometimes being a Mormon is not easy. I was often mocked because of my beliefs and things I chose not to do. I lost a lot of friends because I chose not to party. But I don't regret any of it. I know I am free because of the choices I have made. I am strong and spiritually connected. I know I am a child of God, and I have learned to love everyone because they are all my brothers and sisters. My life is full of light because of the righteous decisions i've made. 


Please, if you want to know more, ask me! I will share anything I can, the best way I can. I want everyone I am associated with to know what I believe and to also know how happy I am because of it. 

Recipe for Perfect Pink Lemonade

Today I felt impressed to talk about personal confidence. Man, have I struggled with this for the longest time. However, I want to share a few things about what I have found to be the "SECRET TO HAPPINESS." Now for the disclaimer... I am not perfectly confident and happy all the time. I struggle a lot. But the great thing about life, is that you don't have to be perfect or happy all of the time. This is normal. I would be surprised if someone told me they are always happy. Let's be real. No, you're not. Life is full of disappointment and fear. However, God, in all His wisdom and grace, gave us one thing we can never forget: A SMILE. It's there for a reason. So that said, here is my secret to happiness:

1. GOOD HEALTH
Since I began eating right and exercising every day, I have been immeasurably happier. I have more energy, more motivation, and so much more appreciation for my physical body.

 my pesto pasta. Ingredients: Rigatoni noodles, pesto sauce, pepperoni minis, chopped tomatoes, and topped with parmesan cheese. 

2. PERSPECTIVE
I often struggle with having the right perspective on things. I tend to overreact to things that just aren't a big deal. My therapist taught me a technique to help me put things into perspective... before reacting to a situation or problem, rate the problem. 1 being not a big deal at all, and 10 being an absolute emergency. After doing that, match your reaction and perspective to the level on the scale. I find that not sweating the small things makes me a lot less stressed and is a great thing to learn in order to be happy.

My favorite flower:) the lily. 

3. DO THINGS YOU LOVE
If you do all the work you need to, let yourself be happy and do something FUN! Life is so busy... let yourself relax and just get lost in those things that you love. For me, that means singing at the top of my lungs, shopping for cute clothes, playing games, and just goofing off with my roommates.

 I love design and fashion. This is just what I do!

4. BELIEF
I would be nothing without my strong spiritual foundation. Whether or not you have religion in your life, you must understand that you have a spirit that needs nourishment just as much as your body does. Believe in things, hope for things, and try and get somewhere with your life. Find something to build a strong foundation, and I promise your life will make more sense. Find belief. Find a religion. Find faith. If you do this, you WILL find happiness.

This is the Rexburg, Idaho temple. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe it. I live it. 

5. LOVE
Last but not least, find love. For goodness sake, LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL. In whatever form it takes, whether its the love between a mother and a daughter, or it's that I'm-crazy-and-your-crazy-so-let's-be-in-love kind of love! Find something/someone to love. In my opinion, the happiest person who ever lived on earth was Jesus Christ... and one of the reasons He was is because He LOVED everyone. It's something worth considering.

Love you all. Peace Out.

Small and Simple Lemons

So after a rough day, I decided to try and cheer myself up. I want to make a list of all the small and simple things I LOVE that make my life so wonderful. Oftentimes we get caught up in the shuffle of the day and forget to contemplate the things to be grateful for. These are my small and simple lemons that I am grateful for today:

My headband
Garlic
My legs (those things that allow me to get places)
The park
Crystal Lite
My mother
The picture of Jesus on my fridge
My lilies
My soft blanket
Tostitos Hint of Lime tortilla chips
Joss Stone
Shoes
My nail polish
Kitchen Appliances
Laniards
Diet Dr. Pepper
Fresh air
MY BED
My voice
Clouds
Courage
Art
My pink water bottle
Baby carrots


Um... so there are many more.... but I don't want to bore you..... now here is a face from me to you:

WEIGHT LOSS:


Pounds, weight, fat.... These are probably three of the scariest words in the English language. With America getting fatter and fatter, we are constantly bombarded with pressure to lose weight. Well, I can tell you, I have fallen for it. I decided it was finally time to do something that had I had wanted to do for so long. I have just come out of a very stressful time in my life, and I needed to make drastic changes with how I feel about myself. For so long, I have wallowed in my own pity, wondering why I did not have the body I wanted. Before I go any further though, I would like to admit that I was never really fat. I was "chunky" and it got to the point that I would hate going out because I felt so uncomfortable with myself. This was part of the reason I starting seeing a counselor. I had the worst self-esteem. I have tried many times to just be happy and ignore my body, but there came a point about a month ago where I decided to change. I have learned that we are all in charge of our own happiness. It took me a while to grasp that concept, but I think I finally have. I have decided to share my little adventure with you.


I made a plan. I printed out a chart to track my weight loss, and I made a list of restricted foods.
So.... here is my secrets. 




NO SUGAR.
That's right. It was so hard for me because I loved chocolate. I ate some everyday, and if someone made sweets, I lacked the self-control and vision I needed to say "no." So I decided to quit cold turkey and cut out sweets completely. 


NO FRIED FOODS!
America, did you hear me? STOP WITH THE FRENCH FRIES. I am a sucker for french fries, fried chicken, and all that good deep fried goodness. I cut out chips, fries, breaded chicken, etc. Who needs this extra fat? A pound of fat is not worth 10 minutes of enjoying a deep fried snack. Whenever I get a craving for something like this, I try and choose a baked snack. One thing that has helped me has been to just stay completely away from places that deep fry their food. I just get rid of the temptation. 


WHEAT. 
Now, I love white bread. And I still eat it sometimes. But I have tried to replace white bread with whole grains. You get so much more for your buck this way. The problem with most white bread is hidden within the ingredients list. ALWAYS check the ingredients. If it says "bleached" or "enriched" flour, even if it says its wheat flour, it is pretty much telling you they sapped all the nutrients out of the bread to make it nice and fluffy and delicious. You want to aim for a bread that is pure wheat flour and plenty of whole grains. Here's a little nutrition for you. Wheat bread usually uses the entire wheat grain. White bread only uses the small inside portion of the grain, which is called the endosperm. The real nutritional value is in the whole grain! Don't sell yourself short. 
Also, I decided to substitute white rice for brown rice. It is much healthier for you. Remember that starch is fine, but by eating too much of it, it turns to fat. (corn, rice, potatoes, etc). 


NO SODA:
I don't need to explain myself here. Just don't. 


EXERCISE.
5 days a week. It took me a while to work up to this. I started with a couple days a week, and now I am working out for an hour a day, 5 days a week. Make sure that you try and do both strength and endurance. I do at least 30 minutes of cardio. I also like to switch up my routine once in a while. I will sometimes go do my rounds at the gym, sometimes I will go to a yoga class or go on a long walk on days where I was tired. Either way, I got my heart rate up and I am reaping the benefits. 




Now here's the fun part. The before and after. Let it be known that I have not reached my goal weight. I still have a ways to go and my plan is a little slower than a lot of fad diets, but I'm not just changing my weight, I am completely changing my lifestyle. I am not only getting skinnier....I'M GETTIN' HEALTHIER!




Before: 156 pounds

AFTER......... 142 POUNDS!

:D Life is good. 

Once a lemon, always a lemon.

Before reading the post, watch this music video to one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists:

It's time I thanked someone that is really special to me. This video really reminds me of how he treats me and reminds me that he has never once given up on me. Michael Schnell has always been the strong shoulder I've needed when I've been in pain. I've felt much like this girl in the video. Sometimes I just can't handle it anymore... and Michael has always been there to either lift me back up, or just lay down by me and let me cry.
I've been impossible to handle sometimes. I'm sensitive, especially right now. And for some crazy reason, he still loves me. I know I don't deserve it, but I have always been grateful for it, whether I've shown it or not.
When I was young, I always tried to picture what it would be like to fall in love. It's probably not surprising that when I pictured it, I would picture fantastical scenes of sweeping romance and a fairy tale-like meeting and engagement. Now that I know what it's really like, I couldn't have it any other way. In a fairy tale, there is no room for reality, and life always supersedes the imagination. I always thought this was unfortunate, but really, it's so much more valuable than anything a fairy tale can offer us when it comes to love and experience. Fairy tales don't show us what happens when life turns a little sour. Will the prince stay if he finds that his princess is not as perfect as she seemed in that gleaming glass coffin? What will the prince do when his "beauty" grows old and starts to forget who he is? It's something I think we all need to think about. I knew Michael was a true prince when he stuck by me and loved me despite all my flaws. I wish I could more of a princess to him, and that is something I'm working on.
So anyways, I hope that wasn't too mushy... I just thought it was well past due.
So to the guys who read this: take notes.
To the girls: I hope your prince is perfect for you too
And to Michael: Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Thank you lemons.

I just wanted to thank anybody and everybody for the amazing support you've given me since my last post. I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate the love i have felt. I may not know everything I should, but I do know that God sends angels to us that help lift and strengthen us. I know that he sent every one of you to help me in my darkest hour. I'm feeling better and getting the help I needed. I hope none of you see me any differently for what I posted, because I promise I'm still as goofy and fun as I was before! I was given this particular trial because God knows I have amazing people around me that can help me. God also has never left my side. I am forever grateful for that.

So anyways. I just wanted to say thank you my angels.

Thank you.

You need to know.

This is an excerpt from my online journal. I may regret posting this, but right now, it needs to happen.

Please don't think any less of me if you read it. 

1/26/12

SICK SICK SICK. I’m sick of it. My mind is being taken over by devils. 7 devils. Ignorance, pain, sensitivity, esteem, disbelief, anger and grief. 7 devils are poisoning my mind. I write this stuff down because I can’t say any of it. I can’t admit to the lowliness of my existence. Honestly, I hope no one finds this until I’m dead and gone. I’m tired of everyone telling me that I’m sick. Depression, anxiety…what are they? Why do they think they belong within my body? I didn’t invite them. They burrowed in my calmest places and poisoned my zen. You know why I’m sick of being sick? Because as much as people seem to care… they don’t do anything about it. They let me pop a couple pills and assume I’ll be fine as long as they keep their distance and let me be. I’ll be fine. I just gotta work through it. I need my space. Well I realized last night that I can’t be alone. I ran into my mom’s room in hysterics and collapsed. I honestly don’t remember exactly what happened. I think I said something about hurting myself, and then the breathing started. The short gasps. “I’m going under. I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in” I felt like I was in what Flo calls “the arms of the ocean.” I couldn’t breathe. The next thing I know, I begin blacking out because I wasn’t getting the oxygen I needed. My muscles started seizing up. They began to tighten and I could feel my whole face twitching as the muscles struggled to function without air. It was the oddest sensation. I felt like I was having some sort of seizure. Well I’m sick of it! As I lay there in my mom’s arms, I thought of how I got this way. I’ve grown up a strong and happy girl. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to. I read my scriptures every day. I pray constantly. I am humbled to my knees every day. And yet the one thing that I know would make me happier and anything in the world is no closer to being safe in my grasp than our economy fixing itself. And you know something’s wrong when you have to make comparisons between your mental wellbeing and the government.

I AM TIRED OF IT. I want to just grab all this crap in a bag and go dump it in the Willamette River where it will decompose and create a new sort of mutated fish. Why can’t I just be happy? And it isn’t for lack of trying. I’ve tried to find new hobbies, I got a job to keep myself busy, I get out of bed each day and tell myself to find something worthwhile. But before I even get out of the house the darkness descends. To describe it wouldn’t do the feeling justice, but it feels as if heavy led begins to fill your body and forces your legs down and moves you back toward that miserable spot on the couch where you want to lay for the rest of the day. And I feel responsible for my family’s unhappiness. I wish I could be the big sister that Nate and Robert want me to be. It’s what they deserve. I wish I could be the daughter my parents wish I was. I wish I was happy. I wish I could return an “I love you” without feeling unworthy to even speak to them. They are the most righteous people I know, and they deserve better than me. I make everything dismal and I often treat them with disobedience and impatience. And I can’t even tell them how sorry I am, because that would be admitting that they were right about me all along. I just hope they don’t feel like they failed.

And what makes me feel even sicker is how selfish I’ve been to Michael, the guy I want to spend eternity with. I’m surprised he still likes me, even after the hell I’ve put him through. When I should be supportive and loving, I can’t hide my own problems and find it in my heart to help him. I feel unqualified. He deserves someone beautiful and strong and I just haven’t been that for him. I’m a disaster and I wish I could be good enough for him. He probably feels like he’s trying to play on broken strings.

They say we are all children of a loving Father in Heaven. However, as much as I believe that, I can’t help thinking there was a mistake. Maybe I was adopted. I don’t know how it works in heaven, but there has to be some sort of mistake.

I wonder who will read this. I may just post this on my blog. Then those who actually care will read it and maybe learn a little more about what depression and anxiety can do and can help others. If I do nothing more than help one hurting person in my life, I can die in peace. Maybe they’ll read this and know how sorry I am if I have ever offended them or hurt them before.

I am trying to work through this. But I can’t do it alone. I pray that my thoughts are heard and I will find some solace. Some comfort or rest from this storm.

Please. Depression is a very real thing (Tom Cruise you jackass). It’s not a weakness. It’s a disease. And it affects millions. I am one of them. Please lend a helping hand if you can.

lemon 11: Poetry

I've found poetry to be very therapeutic. Even when writing for a class, I find writing poetry to be something that helps me clear my head a little. So.... here are some poems. Enjoy.

Free

The sand tickled the dancing feet

In a rush of air, they fly

Over and around with speed

Until, with promise, they leap

The shackles lie there, understanding

That everything has its place

The waves, the stars, the trees all know

Every scar has their time

Leaping on the crackled sand,

It turns hot and burns my feet

The coals sting and whisper

“don’t stop dancing, don’t stop”

But the tears you’ve cried will run dry

A wave pulls back and nods,

For I know, and I always will,

Being free is like feeling fire

Sometimes

Sometimes you can jump

They told me I couldn’t, but

 I think you can

This world you want to leave behind

 can wait one more day

And I will be here

 too, jumping with you

Sometimes you can dance

They told me

I’m a bad dancer,

 but I think you’re great

This room is your stage, and

 it will move with you

And I will be here

too, dancing with you

Sometimes you can cry

They told me not to, but I think you should

The blanket that covers you

will keep you warm

And I will be here

 too, crying with you

Sometimes you can win

They told me I never would, but

 I didn’t listen to them

This crowd that now cheers for you

knew all along

And I will be here

too, always winning with you

Sometimes the sun shines, and sometimes you do too

And I will be here, shining

with you

Who You Are

It was that moment when everything stood still,

You stood and listened while the wind played its harmony.

A net of lights perched on sagebrush, stinging your eyes,

And you felt the moon watch you from its throne of clouds.

You knew who you were that day.

That moment you listened as her eyes spoke,

And from her lips a wistful, girlish vanity cascaded.

Blood trickled from the tongue you kept,

As she slid from your duck feathered back.

You knew who you were that day.

The day you fell, and couldn’t get back up,

Tangled like a Laocoön on the pulsating ground.

It got the best of you and you left the struggle,

Defeated and alone,

You forgot who you were that day.

As you forgot, you lifted your head,

You remembered the sun and the sweet scent of grace.

Unfolding yourself, you reached up high,

You lifted yourself up, and brushed the orange leather sky.

You remembered who you were that day.

Triumph and Defeat

The force that kills you

Also

Gives you life.

It breathes in you but

Makes you gasp for air.

It matures you and makes you

More immature.

Like a circle, you find yourself in the same place

You started.

It gave that fly its wings and then

glued them to the ground.

It gave you

your first kiss, then gave you your last.

It’s the tattoo that beats

against your heart,

It was put there when you first took

a breath.

It gave color

to a tulip,

Then sapped juice

 from its lips.

A green fuse of life,

now wilted

on the ground, to become the sole a

 lover’s midnight stroll.

It’s the tree you hid

behind, which becomes your last napping place.

The first touch

from your mother,

And the last touch

from a lover.

It is the most valuable asset,

And the most terrifying

enemy.

It’s the first shooting star,

It lives in me, and

it dies

in me.

It is your triumph,

and your defeat.

Letters from No One

No One sends me a letter

every day,

Often he is my dearest friend.

He’ll write with soft

words that he has to say,

But unfortunately, those are the thoughts he forgets to send.

No One sends me a letter every week,

Birthday cards, greeting cards, and all words to

su primer amor.

None of these things are ever

superficial or bleak,

But unfortunately, he has misplaced my address, I am sure.

No One sends me a letter

every season,

With words of roses

and violets and poetry as well.

For his love, he gives me every reason,

And unfortunately, those reasons, even

I couldn’t tell.

No One sends me a letter every year,

I wait for the mailbox

on that day.

There is only one thing I fear,

Has he forgotten what to say?

Like a Towel

I feel like a towel sometimes, and I know that may not be a good thing.

People wipe off their dirt on me, and it soaks into my fabric.

I was once bright pink, and now I’m very pale. My tag was crisp

And freshly printed. Now it’s thin and weathered. People scratch

My skin and tear off strings of hair. If people knew how it felt,

To be dirty. This isn’t my dirt, it’s theirs. All of theirs. They drop me,

Swat flies with me, scrub floors with me. Then they stick me in a machine

And wash me. Tumble, tumble, tumble, squeezed, wrung. But do they know

I’m never the same? I get thinner, I lose color. I get rougher.

Rain- a Haiku

Powdered rain plummet

 On pavement piercing His hand

With sad tears from God

Knowing

He opened his mouth wide to blind me with fear,

Later I would fall to my knees among the floating rocks.

I would have to let my child go.

Let him leave me in a beam of light, with the

Illusion that something didn’t exist.

I would go back to a realization that everything

Has a place, and has a time. For the world would be

Destroyed in fire.

As my child runs, he carries with him the hope

Of something reborn.

A tree sways, it beckons him. Will it protect him?

Will he leave knowing I would somehow be there?

There is only one thing I can know for sure.

Poetry can even make a bad movie seem profound.