Thursday, January 26, 2012

You need to know.

This is an excerpt from my online journal. I may regret posting this, but right now, it needs to happen.
Please don't think any less of me if you read it. 

SICK SICK SICK. I’m sick of it. My mind is being taken over by devils. 7 devils. Ignorance, pain, sensitivity, esteem, disbelief, anger and grief. 7 devils are poisoning my mind. I write this stuff down because I can’t say any of it. I can’t admit to the lowliness of my existence. Honestly, I hope no one finds this until I’m dead and gone. I’m tired of everyone telling me that I’m sick. Depression, anxiety…what are they? Why do they think they belong within my body? I didn’t invite them. They burrowed in my calmest places and poisoned my zen. You know why I’m sick of being sick? Because as much as people seem to care… they don’t do anything about it. They let me pop a couple pills and assume I’ll be fine as long as they keep their distance and let me be. I’ll be fine. I just gotta work through it. I need my space. Well I realized last night that I can’t be alone. I ran into my mom’s room in hysterics and collapsed. I honestly don’t remember exactly what happened. I think I said something about hurting myself, and then the breathing started. The short gasps. “I’m going under. I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in” I felt like I was in what Flo calls “the arms of the ocean.” I couldn’t breathe. The next thing I know, I begin blacking out because I wasn’t getting the oxygen I needed. My muscles started seizing up. They began to tighten and I could feel my whole face twitching as the muscles struggled to function without air. It was the oddest sensation. I felt like I was having some sort of seizure. Well I’m sick of it! As I lay there in my mom’s arms, I thought of how I got this way. I’ve grown up a strong and happy girl. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to. I read my scriptures every day. I pray constantly. I am humbled to my knees every day. And yet the one thing that I know would make me happier and anything in the world is no closer to being safe in my grasp than our economy fixing itself. And you know something’s wrong when you have to make comparisons between your mental wellbeing and the government.
I AM TIRED OF IT. I want to just grab all this crap in a bag and go dump it in the Willamette River where it will decompose and create a new sort of mutated fish. Why can’t I just be happy? And it isn’t for lack of trying. I’ve tried to find new hobbies, I got a job to keep myself busy, I get out of bed each day and tell myself to find something worthwhile. But before I even get out of the house the darkness descends. To describe it wouldn’t do the feeling justice, but it feels as if heavy led begins to fill your body and forces your legs down and moves you back toward that miserable spot on the couch where you want to lay for the rest of the day. And I feel responsible for my family’s unhappiness. I wish I could be the big sister that Nate and Robert want me to be. It’s what they deserve. I wish I could be the daughter my parents wish I was. I wish I was happy. I wish I could return an “I love you” without feeling unworthy to even speak to them. They are the most righteous people I know, and they deserve better than me. I make everything dismal and I often treat them with disobedience and impatience. And I can’t even tell them how sorry I am, because that would be admitting that they were right about me all along. I just hope they don’t feel like they failed.
And what makes me feel even sicker is how selfish I’ve been to Michael, the guy I want to spend eternity with. I’m surprised he still likes me, even after the hell I’ve put him through. When I should be supportive and loving, I can’t hide my own problems and find it in my heart to help him. I feel unqualified. He deserves someone beautiful and strong and I just haven’t been that for him. I’m a disaster and I wish I could be good enough for him. He probably feels like he’s trying to play on broken strings.
They say we are all children of a loving Father in Heaven. However, as much as I believe that, I can’t help thinking there was a mistake. Maybe I was adopted. I don’t know how it works in heaven, but there has to be some sort of mistake.
I wonder who will read this. I may just post this on my blog. Then those who actually care will read it and maybe learn a little more about what depression and anxiety can do and can help others. If I do nothing more than help one hurting person in my life, I can die in peace. Maybe they’ll read this and know how sorry I am if I have ever offended them or hurt them before.
I am trying to work through this. But I can’t do it alone. I pray that my thoughts are heard and I will find some solace. Some comfort or rest from this storm.
Please. Depression is a very real thing (Tom Cruise you jackass). It’s not a weakness. It’s a disease. And it affects millions. I am one of them. Please lend a helping hand if you can.


  1. hang in there, kelsi. there are a lot of people that care about you more than you know! if you need anything let me know, i'm here for you.

  2. Kelsi depression does suck BALLS! But you can make it through it because you are amazing even if you can't see that right now. I can relate to what you are going through. Last winter were the worst few months I have had in a while. And you can't make it through on your own, I couldn't have made it through those months without my mom. You are going to be ok. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

  3. Oh Honey. I am not a stranger to those feelings. I know it feels hopeless right now, but it is something that will pass. With work and support. And yes, sometimes drugs. That was the hardest thing for me to accept. But modern medicine is a miracle, when used correctly. And with work. You are right, it is not the cure in of itself but it can take off that extra edge so that you have the strength to get out of the vicious cycle. Some of my most difficult years were in my early twenties. You are definitely an individual with specific tastes etc, but it is a time where you are really truly finding your identity and how you deal with real life problems (depending on the person, of course). And that is taxing. Especially for those of us that are prone to depression and anxiety. I am one of 5 woman in my family that have dealt with this to varying extremes, and varying treatments ranging from medication, counseling, diet, exercise, and pretty much anything you can imagine. Having the motivation to get out of it is the hardest part, and even when you rise out of it, it is a case of management. But I can assure you that your Heavenly Father is aware of the unique and acute pain that you are going through right now, and as you make the steps you need to and continue to try and really lean on Him that you will see miracles. Have you heard that quote about how anxiety is denying God, or lack of faith, etc? I hate it. Because it doesnt make sense when you are in the middle of a never ending panic attack. But it is true as well. Giving in to the anxiety is where it lies, overcoming it makes you stronger every stinking day. And it is important to talk about it. If you ever want to chat, I can relate. And it gets better. Dealing will get easier. The desperation and hyperventilating, I've done. You can move past it. Your parents love you and you are deserving of that love. Sometimes we have to get that language that is running through out head out by talking or writing about it, but don't let it take over. You are loved and supported and never alone.

  4. thank you so much everyone. i am very lucky to have such amazing friends and family to help me through this.

  5. Kels, he deserves YOU. You deserve to love and be loved, don't forget that.

  6. I've been suffering from depression for about 8 years and I can tell none of the people who commented have truly experienced it. Depression doesn't care whether you're strong or weak, deserving or undeserving of love, amazing or worthless. Introverts have depression, extroverts have depression. It doesn't have to do with how you manage your life. It has nothing to do with such things. Never, EVER think it's your fault, because it's not.
    Talk to your parents and friends, seek professional help (and I don't mean just pills). Find beautiful things. Continue blogging (it helps me at least). Cook for someone. When it's so bad I physically can't get up, I try forcing myself. Many times I don't make it. I know it's hard. I'm sorry. Have faith in yourself.

    1. Well, none of us feel like anyone has experienced what we have. I think that is what is so debilitating about it. Life management can help, but not cure it alone. There are lots of little things that can help in managing the symptoms but they are also unique to the person. My family has extensive experience with this, but we all react and deal and talk about it in different ways. We can never judge what another person has been through. And while it CAN help to have a stiff upper lip and fake it till you make it and all, don't be ashamed when you have episodes when you can't hold it in. It's important to get that out and express it, even to just yourself.

    2. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to say that. I've just had so many people telling me "You know, I'm sad sometimes too, it'll pass." or "I was like that when I was your age too, it's just a phase." that I become defensive and dismissive very easily.
      I agree, it's important to express yourself in anyway you feel comfortable with. Bottled-up feelings just get worse as time passes.

  7. Love love love you Kelsi Harris. You are in my heart & prayers. I know you will make it through this. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help or support you.