Thursday, May 31, 2012

Small and Simple Lemons

So after a rough day, I decided to try and cheer myself up. I want to make a list of all the small and simple things I LOVE that make my life so wonderful. Oftentimes we get caught up in the shuffle of the day and forget to contemplate the things to be grateful for. These are my small and simple lemons that I am grateful for today:

My headband
Garlic
My legs (those things that allow me to get places)
The park
Crystal Lite
My mother
The picture of Jesus on my fridge
My lilies
My soft blanket
Tostitos Hint of Lime tortilla chips
Joss Stone
Shoes
My nail polish
Kitchen Appliances
Laniards
Diet Dr. Pepper
Fresh air
MY BED
My voice
Clouds
Courage
Art
My pink water bottle
Baby carrots


Um... so there are many more.... but I don't want to bore you..... now here is a face from me to you:










Friday, May 11, 2012

WEIGHT LOSS:


Pounds, weight, fat.... These are probably three of the scariest words in the English language. With America getting fatter and fatter, we are constantly bombarded with pressure to lose weight. Well, I can tell you, I have fallen for it. I decided it was finally time to do something that had I had wanted to do for so long. I have just come out of a very stressful time in my life, and I needed to make drastic changes with how I feel about myself. For so long, I have wallowed in my own pity, wondering why I did not have the body I wanted. Before I go any further though, I would like to admit that I was never really fat. I was "chunky" and it got to the point that I would hate going out because I felt so uncomfortable with myself. This was part of the reason I starting seeing a counselor. I had the worst self-esteem. I have tried many times to just be happy and ignore my body, but there came a point about a month ago where I decided to change. I have learned that we are all in charge of our own happiness. It took me a while to grasp that concept, but I think I finally have. I have decided to share my little adventure with you.


I made a plan. I printed out a chart to track my weight loss, and I made a list of restricted foods.
So.... here is my secrets. 




NO SUGAR.
That's right. It was so hard for me because I loved chocolate. I ate some everyday, and if someone made sweets, I lacked the self-control and vision I needed to say "no." So I decided to quit cold turkey and cut out sweets completely. 


NO FRIED FOODS!
America, did you hear me? STOP WITH THE FRENCH FRIES. I am a sucker for french fries, fried chicken, and all that good deep fried goodness. I cut out chips, fries, breaded chicken, etc. Who needs this extra fat? A pound of fat is not worth 10 minutes of enjoying a deep fried snack. Whenever I get a craving for something like this, I try and choose a baked snack. One thing that has helped me has been to just stay completely away from places that deep fry their food. I just get rid of the temptation. 


WHEAT. 
Now, I love white bread. And I still eat it sometimes. But I have tried to replace white bread with whole grains. You get so much more for your buck this way. The problem with most white bread is hidden within the ingredients list. ALWAYS check the ingredients. If it says "bleached" or "enriched" flour, even if it says its wheat flour, it is pretty much telling you they sapped all the nutrients out of the bread to make it nice and fluffy and delicious. You want to aim for a bread that is pure wheat flour and plenty of whole grains. Here's a little nutrition for you. Wheat bread usually uses the entire wheat grain. White bread only uses the small inside portion of the grain, which is called the endosperm. The real nutritional value is in the whole grain! Don't sell yourself short. 
Also, I decided to substitute white rice for brown rice. It is much healthier for you. Remember that starch is fine, but by eating too much of it, it turns to fat. (corn, rice, potatoes, etc). 


NO SODA:
I don't need to explain myself here. Just don't. 


EXERCISE.
5 days a week. It took me a while to work up to this. I started with a couple days a week, and now I am working out for an hour a day, 5 days a week. Make sure that you try and do both strength and endurance. I do at least 30 minutes of cardio. I also like to switch up my routine once in a while. I will sometimes go do my rounds at the gym, sometimes I will go to a yoga class or go on a long walk on days where I was tired. Either way, I got my heart rate up and I am reaping the benefits. 




Now here's the fun part. The before and after. Let it be known that I have not reached my goal weight. I still have a ways to go and my plan is a little slower than a lot of fad diets, but I'm not just changing my weight, I am completely changing my lifestyle. I am not only getting skinnier....I'M GETTIN' HEALTHIER!




Before: 156 pounds







AFTER......... 142 POUNDS!






:D Life is good. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Once a lemon, always a lemon.

Before reading the post, watch this music video to one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists:

It's time I thanked someone that is really special to me. This video really reminds me of how he treats me and reminds me that he has never once given up on me. Michael Schnell has always been the strong shoulder I've needed when I've been in pain. I've felt much like this girl in the video. Sometimes I just can't handle it anymore... and Michael has always been there to either lift me back up, or just lay down by me and let me cry.
I've been impossible to handle sometimes. I'm sensitive, especially right now. And for some crazy reason, he still loves me. I know I don't deserve it, but I have always been grateful for it, whether I've shown it or not.
When I was young, I always tried to picture what it would be like to fall in love. It's probably not surprising that when I pictured it, I would picture fantastical scenes of sweeping romance and a fairy tale-like meeting and engagement. Now that I know what it's really like, I couldn't have it any other way. In a fairy tale, there is no room for reality, and life always supersedes the imagination. I always thought this was unfortunate, but really, it's so much more valuable than anything a fairy tale can offer us when it comes to love and experience. Fairy tales don't show us what happens when life turns a little sour. Will the prince stay if he finds that his princess is not as perfect as she seemed in that gleaming glass coffin? What will the prince do when his "beauty" grows old and starts to forget who he is? It's something I think we all need to think about. I knew Michael was a true prince when he stuck by me and loved me despite all my flaws. I wish I could more of a princess to him, and that is something I'm working on.
So anyways, I hope that wasn't too mushy... I just thought it was well past due.
So to the guys who read this: take notes.
To the girls: I hope your prince is perfect for you too
And to Michael: Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Thank you lemons.

I just wanted to thank anybody and everybody for the amazing support you've given me since my last post. I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate the love i have felt. I may not know everything I should, but I do know that God sends angels to us that help lift and strengthen us. I know that he sent every one of you to help me in my darkest hour. I'm feeling better and getting the help I needed. I hope none of you see me any differently for what I posted, because I promise I'm still as goofy and fun as I was before! I was given this particular trial because God knows I have amazing people around me that can help me. God also has never left my side. I am forever grateful for that.

So anyways. I just wanted to say thank you my angels.

Thank you.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

You need to know.


This is an excerpt from my online journal. I may regret posting this, but right now, it needs to happen.
Please don't think any less of me if you read it. 


1/26/12
SICK SICK SICK. I’m sick of it. My mind is being taken over by devils. 7 devils. Ignorance, pain, sensitivity, esteem, disbelief, anger and grief. 7 devils are poisoning my mind. I write this stuff down because I can’t say any of it. I can’t admit to the lowliness of my existence. Honestly, I hope no one finds this until I’m dead and gone. I’m tired of everyone telling me that I’m sick. Depression, anxiety…what are they? Why do they think they belong within my body? I didn’t invite them. They burrowed in my calmest places and poisoned my zen. You know why I’m sick of being sick? Because as much as people seem to care… they don’t do anything about it. They let me pop a couple pills and assume I’ll be fine as long as they keep their distance and let me be. I’ll be fine. I just gotta work through it. I need my space. Well I realized last night that I can’t be alone. I ran into my mom’s room in hysterics and collapsed. I honestly don’t remember exactly what happened. I think I said something about hurting myself, and then the breathing started. The short gasps. “I’m going under. I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in” I felt like I was in what Flo calls “the arms of the ocean.” I couldn’t breathe. The next thing I know, I begin blacking out because I wasn’t getting the oxygen I needed. My muscles started seizing up. They began to tighten and I could feel my whole face twitching as the muscles struggled to function without air. It was the oddest sensation. I felt like I was having some sort of seizure. Well I’m sick of it! As I lay there in my mom’s arms, I thought of how I got this way. I’ve grown up a strong and happy girl. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to. I read my scriptures every day. I pray constantly. I am humbled to my knees every day. And yet the one thing that I know would make me happier and anything in the world is no closer to being safe in my grasp than our economy fixing itself. And you know something’s wrong when you have to make comparisons between your mental wellbeing and the government.
I AM TIRED OF IT. I want to just grab all this crap in a bag and go dump it in the Willamette River where it will decompose and create a new sort of mutated fish. Why can’t I just be happy? And it isn’t for lack of trying. I’ve tried to find new hobbies, I got a job to keep myself busy, I get out of bed each day and tell myself to find something worthwhile. But before I even get out of the house the darkness descends. To describe it wouldn’t do the feeling justice, but it feels as if heavy led begins to fill your body and forces your legs down and moves you back toward that miserable spot on the couch where you want to lay for the rest of the day. And I feel responsible for my family’s unhappiness. I wish I could be the big sister that Nate and Robert want me to be. It’s what they deserve. I wish I could be the daughter my parents wish I was. I wish I was happy. I wish I could return an “I love you” without feeling unworthy to even speak to them. They are the most righteous people I know, and they deserve better than me. I make everything dismal and I often treat them with disobedience and impatience. And I can’t even tell them how sorry I am, because that would be admitting that they were right about me all along. I just hope they don’t feel like they failed.
And what makes me feel even sicker is how selfish I’ve been to Michael, the guy I want to spend eternity with. I’m surprised he still likes me, even after the hell I’ve put him through. When I should be supportive and loving, I can’t hide my own problems and find it in my heart to help him. I feel unqualified. He deserves someone beautiful and strong and I just haven’t been that for him. I’m a disaster and I wish I could be good enough for him. He probably feels like he’s trying to play on broken strings.
They say we are all children of a loving Father in Heaven. However, as much as I believe that, I can’t help thinking there was a mistake. Maybe I was adopted. I don’t know how it works in heaven, but there has to be some sort of mistake.
I wonder who will read this. I may just post this on my blog. Then those who actually care will read it and maybe learn a little more about what depression and anxiety can do and can help others. If I do nothing more than help one hurting person in my life, I can die in peace. Maybe they’ll read this and know how sorry I am if I have ever offended them or hurt them before.
I am trying to work through this. But I can’t do it alone. I pray that my thoughts are heard and I will find some solace. Some comfort or rest from this storm.
Please. Depression is a very real thing (Tom Cruise you jackass). It’s not a weakness. It’s a disease. And it affects millions. I am one of them. Please lend a helping hand if you can.

Monday, January 2, 2012

lemon 11: Poetry

I've found poetry to be very therapeutic. Even when writing for a class, I find writing poetry to be something that helps me clear my head a little. So.... here are some poems. Enjoy.



Free

The sand tickled the dancing feet
In a rush of air, they fly
Over and around with speed
Until, with promise, they leap

The shackles lie there, understanding
That everything has its place
The waves, the stars, the trees all know
Every scar has their time

Leaping on the crackled sand,
It turns hot and burns my feet
The coals sting and whisper
“don’t stop dancing, don’t stop”

But the tears you’ve cried will run dry
A wave pulls back and nods,
For I know, and I always will,
Being free is like feeling fire


Sometimes
Sometimes you can jump
They told me I couldn’t, but
 I think you can
This world you want to leave behind
 can wait one more day
And I will be here
 too, jumping with you

Sometimes you can dance
They told me
I’m a bad dancer,
 but I think you’re great
This room is your stage, and
 it will move with you
And I will be here
too, dancing with you

Sometimes you can cry
They told me not to, but I think you should
The blanket that covers you
will keep you warm
And I will be here
 too, crying with you

Sometimes you can win
They told me I never would, but
 I didn’t listen to them
This crowd that now cheers for you
knew all along
And I will be here
too, always winning with you

Sometimes the sun shines, and sometimes you do too
And I will be here, shining
with you



Who You Are

It was that moment when everything stood still,
You stood and listened while the wind played its harmony.
A net of lights perched on sagebrush, stinging your eyes,
And you felt the moon watch you from its throne of clouds.
You knew who you were that day.

That moment you listened as her eyes spoke,
And from her lips a wistful, girlish vanity cascaded.
Blood trickled from the tongue you kept,
As she slid from your duck feathered back.
You knew who you were that day.

The day you fell, and couldn’t get back up,
Tangled like a Laocoön on the pulsating ground.
It got the best of you and you left the struggle,
Defeated and alone,
You forgot who you were that day.

As you forgot, you lifted your head,
You remembered the sun and the sweet scent of grace.
Unfolding yourself, you reached up high,
You lifted yourself up, and brushed the orange leather sky.
You remembered who you were that day.









Triumph and Defeat

The force that kills you
Also
Gives you life.
It breathes in you but
Makes you gasp for air.
It matures you and makes you
More immature.
Like a circle, you find yourself in the same place
You started.

It gave that fly its wings and then
glued them to the ground.
It gave you
your first kiss, then gave you your last.
It’s the tattoo that beats
against your heart,
It was put there when you first took
a breath.

It gave color
to a tulip,
Then sapped juice
 from its lips.
A green fuse of life,
now wilted
on the ground, to become the sole a
 lover’s midnight stroll.

It’s the tree you hid
behind, which becomes your last napping place.
The first touch
from your mother,
And the last touch
from a lover.

It is the most valuable asset,
And the most terrifying
enemy.
It’s the first shooting star,
It lives in me, and
it dies
in me.
It is your triumph,
and your defeat.






















Letters from No One

No One sends me a letter
every day,
Often he is my dearest friend.
He’ll write with soft
words that he has to say,
But unfortunately, those are the thoughts he forgets to send.

No One sends me a letter every week,
Birthday cards, greeting cards, and all words to
su primer amor.
None of these things are ever
superficial or bleak,
But unfortunately, he has misplaced my address, I am sure.

No One sends me a letter
every season,
With words of roses
and violets and poetry as well.
For his love, he gives me every reason,
And unfortunately, those reasons, even
I couldn’t tell.

No One sends me a letter every year,
I wait for the mailbox
on that day.
There is only one thing I fear,
Has he forgotten what to say?






Like a Towel

I feel like a towel sometimes, and I know that may not be a good thing.
People wipe off their dirt on me, and it soaks into my fabric.
I was once bright pink, and now I’m very pale. My tag was crisp
And freshly printed. Now it’s thin and weathered. People scratch
My skin and tear off strings of hair. If people knew how it felt,
To be dirty. This isn’t my dirt, it’s theirs. All of theirs. They drop me,
Swat flies with me, scrub floors with me. Then they stick me in a machine
And wash me. Tumble, tumble, tumble, squeezed, wrung. But do they know
I’m never the same? I get thinner, I lose color. I get rougher.



Rain- a Haiku

Powdered rain plummet
 On pavement piercing His hand
With sad tears from God





Knowing

He opened his mouth wide to blind me with fear,
Later I would fall to my knees among the floating rocks.
I would have to let my child go.
Let him leave me in a beam of light, with the
Illusion that something didn’t exist.
I would go back to a realization that everything
Has a place, and has a time. For the world would be
Destroyed in fire.
As my child runs, he carries with him the hope
Of something reborn.
A tree sways, it beckons him. Will it protect him?
Will he leave knowing I would somehow be there?
There is only one thing I can know for sure.
Poetry can even make a bad movie seem profound.

Monday, December 12, 2011

10 to lemon. LIGHTS.

Hey everyone! As you can see, i've been having a busy semester... I haven't posted in a while. Well there is a lot on my mind, but I think I'll just my first ever short story of my college writing career! Here is... Lights:

Lights
It was chilly. Bill could feel it through the screen door. He shifted his weight a tiny bit, so that the ladder he was holding wasn’t digging into his side. He looked outside. Lilah sat on the misty grey porch. She was bent over forward, doing something he couldn’t see. Beyond her, he saw billows of snow laying on the crunchy grass like mismatched pillows.
“Bill, can I get by?” Jean, his wife, walked past him, sucking herself in so that she could pass him without brushing him. She walked onto the porch.
“Honey, please. What did mommy tell you about the lights?” Jean carried boxes of Christmas lights in her arms and passed her daughter and set the boxes down at the edge of the porch.
Bill sighed and pushed open the screen door.
“Jean, can you help me with this?” He stepped out onto the porch, holding the ladder. Jean bustled over to him, grabbed the end of the ladder, and they were able to carry it past the porch and onto the lawn.
“Let’s put the icicle ones in the front.” Jean said, setting her side of the ladder down below the gutters.
“Sure.” Bill said as he set the ladder down and breathed heavily against the chilly grey air.
“Then we can put the colored ones on that tree over there and the bush by the porch.” She turned from her Bill, and Bill saw her walk to the porch, and start to open boxes of lights. He watched her for a second as she pulled the green cords out and started to detangle them, pulling them straight with a bit more force than necessary.
“Mommy, these are my lights. Sally likes them. They make her dress pretty.” Lilah held a small doll with lights wrapped tightly around her for Jean to see, a look of indignation on her face.
“Yes honey that’s nice.” He heard Jean utter, lifting her eyes for a second to see the doll, and then turning back to pulling lights. Lilah pulls her doll back to her chest and holds it for a couple of seconds before setting it down disappointedly. Bill hears her get up and patter into the house. She continued pulling the dark green cords apart from each other. The cords were stiff from the cold, but Jean persisted until all the lights were in neat rows on the sidewalk. She looked up to see Bill watching her. He turned back to the gutters. He didn’t like to admit to himself that he was disappointed in her. He tried not to watch her anymore.
Only minutes later he heard her call for him.
“Bill, the lights are ready.” Jean’s voice was slightly muffled in the dense winter air. He trudges toward her in the snow, his hands in his pockets. He sees the rows of lights and leans down to grab the first string of lights. As he grabs them, he looks up to see Jean looking at him with a strange look on her face. Her dark blue eyes brimmed with tears. Her lips full and red, a slight cut was visible on her bottom lip, a bad habit of hers. He turns away from her, sickened by her appearance. He grabs the lights and heads over to the ladder, climbs up, and starts to clip each light onto the gutter.
As he stood on the ladder, clipping lights, he stopped and to wring his hands together, warming them. Bill’s hands were covered with thick gloves, but his hands were cold. He usually enjoys the cold, relishing the fact he can always bundle up and make himself warm. But no matter what he put on this morning, he still felt cold. As he moved along the house, clipping the lights, thoughts of yesterday flitted in and out of his mind and he tried to push them away, but they wouldn’t give. He held the lights in his hand, warming them with the small lights, wishing they would somehow fill him with some sort of joy. To neighbors passing by, he was simply a man on a ladder, putting up Christmas lights. But somehow he felt less than that, like he didn’t deserve to be putting up lights.
“Bill?” A small voice came from behind him. Jean was standing there, holding two mugs.
“Yeah?”
“Are you thirsty?”
“No. Thanks though.” He didn’t look at her, but kept working.
“Please. It’s cold. I made it for you.” Her voice quivered slightly, but persisted.
“I’m sure Lilah would like it. Really, I’m fine.” He said and there was a moment of silence before he heard her footsteps retreating. He hated himself in that moment. He knew he was hurting her. Why did he blame her? He didn’t, really. He just couldn’t look at her right now. Distance was the only thing that could help. The only thing.  
She came back a couple minutes later. She hesitantly stood next to the ladder and looked up at him.
“Bill, I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“You know what. I feel like it’s my fault.”
“Jean, it’s not your fault.”
“They may be wrong. Bill we could still try.”
“Let’s not talk about it right now.” He turned back to the lights. Jean went back inside the house, admitting defeat.
It wasn’t her fault. He knew this. But he couldn’t talk about it right now. Why does she always have to bring it up? Bitter thoughts weaved through him like the lights he was holding.
About an hour later, an excited pattering came from the porch. Bill turned to see Lilah come out of the house, running with her hands full of toys. He turned back to his work as Lilah stopped just short of the grass, and with a loud thunk, dumped the toys onto the frozen dirt. She plopped down and started to arrange them. After the elephant was next to the tiger, and the train was next to Sally the doll, she stood up and ran to get a new string of lights next to her Dad’s ladder. She grabbed the lights and pulled. As she ran, the lights trailed behind her, and the pile next to the ladder started to get smaller and smaller. The lights in Bill’s hand gave a startled twitch, then suddenly leapt out of his hands. The force from Lilah’s pull, and the tension from Bill’s hold took its toll. The lights clipped to the house waved like a snake, and the air was filled with the sound of thousands of popping glass bulbs. Then there was the slightest pause, before…
“LILAH..!” Bill’s voice pierced the air as the remains of the bulbs and green wire fell and littered the white ground. A neighbor stopped on his walk and looked up, startled. Jean stopped on the front step to the house, holding a plate of sandwiches. The snow even seemed to stop falling. Everything had stopped to see what would happen next. Everything was holding its breath.
Lilah stood about a foot away from her toys, still holding the limp strand of lights in her hand. She looked down and seemed to be surprised she was still holding them. She let them fall was a muffled thump. She looked at her dad, her eyes frosting over, the grey irises glazing with tears. Then gently, one by one, the tears fell. Her face twisted, contorted, and flushed with a sudden rush of red. She turned and ran to her mother and clung to her leg. The plate of sandwiches Jean was holding swayed dangerously as she tried to keep it steady in one arm and absorb the shock of Lilah running into her with the other. She looked up at Bill.
Bill was expressionless. With a calm air, he climbed down the ladder, his snow pants swooshing with each step. He didn’t look at his wife or his little crying daughter. He slowly walked past them on the porch, opened the screen door, and walked into the warm house.
*                      *                      *
                Several hours passed before Bill finally emerged from his room. His head was pounding. Earlier, he had collapsed onto his bed, and had woken up with the biggest headache. He walked into the kitchen, and saw a scene he was quite used to. Jean was standing at the large granite stove top, a big metal pan in front of her full of steaming spaghetti sauce. There was a strong smell of garlic coming from the oven, and an empty bread basket next to the stove. She stirred with great care, holding the ladle for dear life. At the kitchen table, Lilah was drawing something. Crayons were scattered over the paisley table cloth. Her blonde hair was falling over the page she was coloring, her face so close to the paper, as though she were scared it would slip from under her. Bill started making his way to her, but stopped just behind his wife. He raised a hesitant hand and touched her shoulder. She twitched slightly, then turned her head around and gave him an impassionate nod. He took this as an “O.K.” and went and sat next to his daughter, folding his hands gently on the table. She looked up, and for the first time in a long time, he saw himself in her bright eyes. They carried heaviness within them, a weight that was never supposed to be there. But they were full of forgiveness. Knowing what he was going to say, she said nothing, but handed him the paper she had under her nose.
                It was a picture of them. They were eating pizza together; just two little sticks with circles on the end, holding little red triangles. He remembered. It was when Jean was at a conference. He tried making Lilah maceronie, but it burned. So, they ordered pizza, and ate it on the couch while watching Beauty and the Beast. Under the picture there she had written (with the help of her mom):
                                                                I’m sorry I broke the lights.
            Bill felt the tears stinging his eyes. He looked up at her, and saw her looking down at her hands. He grabbed her little hand and held it tightly in his. She looked back up at him, a hesitant smile on her face.
                “I am so sorry for yelling at you. Will you forgive daddy?” Bill spoke softly.
                Lilah merely smiled, jumped from her stool and ran off. Bill sat there patiently, and soon enough she returned to him, holding a brand new box of Christmas lights. They must have gone to the store while he was in his room. She held the box proudly in her two arms, presenting them to Bill with a wide grin on her face. Jean had now moved from the stove to stand by the table, holding the ladle, and watching them with a genuine smile on her face. Bill took the box from Lilah’s outstretched arms and looked down at them for a moment, before lifting his face to look back into her eyes.  
                “Will you help daddy put lights on our house?”
                “Yes please.” She grabbed the box from him and started running toward the door.
*                    *                    *
The sky was a mixture of pinks and purples, a lake of swirled paint. Against the canvas of color, a small tan house was highlighted. Small lights lined the top of the house, frosted the bushes, and draped the trees. Small splashes of red, green and yellow lights tickled the landscape, creating a halo of light around the house. Snow gently drifted in the air, crisscrossing each other, creating a harmony of flakes that danced up and down then gently fell asleep on the great blanket left on the ground.
                Lilah danced around the yard with Sally held high in the air. She wore a puffy pink coat and purple mittens. She would occasionally dip Sally down into the snow, soaking the doll in newly fallen snowfall. Then she would pop her head back and open her mouth wide, catching snowflakes on her tongue. Bill stood at the edge of the yard, admiring his work. His hands were deep in his pockets. Spirals of white expelled from his nose with every deep breath he took. His eyes stopped scanning the house and Lilah dancing in the yard, as he saw Jean approaching him from the porch. A warm yellow glow illuminated her figure as she walked slowly toward him. Her auburn hair falling gently on her shoulders, and her arms were folded from the cold. Her face became clearer the closer she got, like he was looking at her through an adjusting lens. She was finally only a foot away, and he could finally see the face he had fallen in love with. The small patch of freckles under her ocean eyes, the small, penetrating lips. Before she could say anything, he pulled her into him.
                “I’m sorry.” He said, garnishing regret.
                “I know.” She closed her eyes, “We’ll get through this.”
                He let go her, but held onto her hand. They turned to watch Lilah. She was a gift he knew he didn’t deserve, but by some mercy he was allowed to have. As he held onto Jean, they both listened to her laughter, little bells chiming in with the gentle swoosh of snow drifting down.